I was completely unguarded for it. I did not even think it was possible to feel such a thing when I first experienced what I later learned to call a tango connection. It wasn’t part of my vocabulary and I did not have a concept for it, so I could not clearly express it afterwards, nor could I trace the steps that had created it to reproduce it. It happened and it took me straight to my first mistake, but did not lend itself well for a meticulous investigation, so I’ve remained unaware of its precise origin since.
Javier’s point about me following his breath got me thinking about it. The word connection had never satisfied me completely. It didn’t describe the experience. I remember saying I had felt some energy back then, an intense, engulfing energy that bonded me to Fabian as we danced. But breathing always came to my mind. Not that breathing made any sense as an explanation either, but to me it was like being aware of my own breathing for the first time, an enhanced perception of something that was already there before my nose. Breathing a man.
My learner’s anxiety to know what would come next disappeared in a momentary unit with the man who led me to the music. I felt the music vibrating in me and grew with it to take him in too. Music, movement and the man had all been there, but somehow they became bigger than their individual contribution to the moment as the connection hit me, and, as they took me over, I was inhaling them all, taking them inside me.
With my eyes closed, I moved in perfect synchrony with Fabian, in a high from surrendering willingly to his secure lead. At home in his tight embrace, I anchored myself in a pleasant and sensual moment. Heavy, warm and dense, I tuned myself into my breath and experienced breathing Fabian in. Him and the music, the tango, had engulfed me and I moved with them without even feeling the ground beneath me. It did not bring me peace. Sexual tension and intoxication were part of this high and they remained present. The connection was accompanied by a strange subsequent hangover: the feeling of being revealed, caught naked, as the music stopped; the craving for more of it; the fresh disquiet I got from being around Fabian.